…I do not post when I am sad, and by the looks of the amount of time between my last post and my current post, I must have been (and am) extremely sad.
I guess one topic in particular is getting me so down these days, and it has all been my fault. Perhaps its the vagueness of things or the casual goodbyes, but it has hit me hard – like stopping at a light and getting hit from behind. Perhaps its something so simple as knowing. Maybe Thomas Gray had it right – “Where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise.”
Life is amazing that way — “POOF” it can all change in an instant – whether it be something tragic happening, or the realization of things. Maybe I’m too dramatic. Maybe I should just continue being cold. Or maybe I should try to make everyone laugh, so they can’t see me cry. Maybe… Its probably the fact that I don’t know what I’m doing;…with anything. Unfortunately, there is no lighthouse in the waters I’m sailing. I know its true, when I can’t even seem to put together complete sentences.
B will think I’m being overly dramatic. M will try to sympathize and point out the positive. The rest will add supportive comments. I know how it works. I’ve been there before.
I once was the guy that yelled out “Rhode Island”, that was amazed at the sun rising over a set of rolling hills of sunflowers, that saw endless nights laughing with friends in foreign lands, that sorted cattle, that challenged a cowboy to a drinking contest (and won), that rode hard and handled my business, that busted a left, that when every bone and sinew was sore – swore to myself I couldn’t go on – still managed to take one more step, that dove with barracuda, that picked a fight with a state trooper, that took a bath in an icy stream, that saved a woman from drowning (twice), that tried to take beautiful photos, that once stared death in the face and managed to escape, that danced so low that I ripped my pants down to my ankle and still kept on going, that opened up, that walked away, that was proud… I once was. Now I have a hard time bringing myself in front of a mirror and staring into my own eyes.
In a post full of non-sensical comments, phrases, and half-witted analogies or similes, on a night where I am unraveling like a ball of yarn, through the blurriness in my eyes and the haziness in my mind, through the exhaustion from just sitting around contemplating, that maybe… Maybe I am just out of touch. Life has been going on, and I have been standing still. But still I sit alone, wishing all my feeling was gone. Maybe its just better that way.
I have to find a way to be strong.
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